Surviving

It’s been years since the incident. 

Years since my rights were taken away from me. 

Years since I had to endure the pain that would affect me for the rest of my life.

Years since I have felt truly felt whole. 

I often question, "Why do bad things happen?”

I understand that there is sin in the world… but why me?

Why did this traumatic event have to happen to me? 

I didn’t do anything to deserve it. 

The first time it happened, 

 I was a third grader. 

A innocent third grader. 

A little girl who had her whole life ahead of her, free of any sort of trauma. 

This one incident along with many others, changed the course of my life.  

Why would this happen? Did I do something wrong?

At the time, I didn’t know what was going on… but I still thought it was my fault. 

I felt so scared after it happened.  

I ran to people.

People in whom I trusted. 

Police.

My parents.
Family members. 

Teachers. 

School. 

The Church.

Yeah I said it, the church...

And yet, no one did anything about it.
Yes, a couple of people helped me a little bit. 

But, half of them didn’t even believe me...not even my own parents. 
I didn't get the help I wanted and needed until last year.   

Why were people so careless though?

Were they just too busy in their lives or  too caught up in their "church" to help me? 

Do they not have a heart, and why didn’t they believe me? 

I WAS IN THIRD GRADE. 

So now, after the incident, I am surviving. 

Minute by minute. 

Hour by hour. 

Day by day. 

I am surviving. 

And if you’re wondering. 

No. It has not been easy by any means. 

It has not been easy to see those people. 

To live with the flashbacks. 

To get up everyday not knowing if you will see them. 

To live a life that is without any fear. 

But I am surviving. 

And sometimes, I thank the Lord that He brought me through such a traumatic event.
I have learned a lot.
I have learned what true healing feels like.
I have learned what relying on the Lord feels like, when you have no one.
I have learned how God can make something so terrible...beautiful. 

I still have emotions raging inside of me.
Feelings of abandonment, betrayal, sadness, rage, etc.
I have to remind myself often though, that what I am feeling, does NOT define me in any way, shape, or form.

I am defined by a God who LOVES me in the purest way possible…with His whole heart. A God that heals every part of my broken heart.

The strength to endure this path of surviving day by day only comes from Him.

Without Him, I can not walk this path. 

I can’t face what tomorrow may bring me. 

I am a survivor. A survivor who will share my story.

Wherever I am called.