Carly’s Testimony
Today I
want to share a story about a grace filled, redemptive story and about how
God’s redeeming power changed my life.
Growing
up, I was faced with a lot of different challenges. I grew up in a
non-Christian home where love was not played out. My parents weren’t
affectionate to each other, and weren’t affectionate toward me. I seldom
received hugs or kisses. Even though my parents were legally married, they
didn’t act like it. My dad kicked my mom out of his room, so I was forced to
share a bed with my mom. It just wasn’t a “normal” situation.
During
elementary school, I went through a very traumatic event. I was molested.
Molested by someone that I barely knew, someone that I had only been introduced
to a couple of times. I remember this event like it was just yesterday. I
remember how hopeless I felt and scared I felt. I remember being touched in a
way no one should ever be touched. To this day, I even remember what I was
wearing and all the details of the situation. I remember the comments, the touch,
and the fear I had. He was so much bigger than me, so much more powerful than
me. I couldn’t run or hide from him. This traumatic event, along with many
others changed the course of my life.
After
this incident, I started attending church. My mom and I went to my Grandparents
house quite a bit, and a church was only a block away. I started attending church
every weekend, and week… by myself, as a third grade girl. I did not grow up in
Sunday school, however I grew up in “big people church”. I loved being at
church. I loved being in a place where everyone was happy. There was affection.
People loved each other. I continued going back here because I felt and saw
true love. I didn’t know why or how everyone was so happy but I truly wanted
whatever they had.
(Little did I know, the reason they were so
joy-filled was because of the Lord.)
In
middle school, my life took a turn for the better and for the worse. A lot of
different events happened in my life in just a year. The first event that
happened was accepting Christ into my heart. I was invited by a girl at my
church to attend a Bible Camp. I decided to go just to be with her and have
fun, but the Lord grabbed my heart during this week. I made the best decision
I’ve ever made which was to accept Christ into my heart.
However,
this was also a very hard year for me. My parents separated and my mom and I
moved in with my Grandmother. I was also sexually abused yet again, however
this time it was by a family member. I was a victim of sexual harassment at my
Junior High, and this was the year that I started my addiction to pornography.
Yeah, you heard that right. I was addicted to PORN.
It
was an addiction that lasted 8 years total. It started on accident. After being
taken advantage of twice already, I wanted to know what happened to me. Was it
my fault? Was there something I could do to stop it? What even happened to me?
I
decided to search for myself. I knew what happened to me wasn’t right but I
didn’t feel comfortable telling my parents about it or talking to the church
about it. Plus, one of the most important people in my life didn’t believe me
when I told her about the abuse, and that is why I decided to actively search
for myself.
I
knew about sex from peers and random purity talks that I have heard at church,
so I decided to type it into the search engine. S-E-X.
Immediately…I was bombarded by so many images, videos, etc. I had no idea
what I was getting myself into, but since then it affected my life greatly and
caused a lot of destruction in my life and heart.
My
High School years were hard for me as well. I was sexually abused yet again in by a family member in 9th grade
and was also being bullied by a group of girls at school. So much so, that I
dropped out of all my extracurricular activities and started failing classes. At
this point in my life, all I could think was, “What is wrong with me? What am
I doing wrong? Why would this happen yet again?”
In
10th grade, I decided to tell the school about everything that has
happened to me growing up. (Surely they would help me out in some way). When I
told the school about it, no one took action. I talked to the police, yet no
one took
action. I also went to my own family members, yet no one took action.
Most of them didn’t even believe me. Oh, and one of the men that molested me
was my next-door neighbor, and the other one lived right across the street from
my High School.
At
this point, I felt so hopeless and felt so abandoned. I wanted to give up on
life. No one seemed to care about my deepest parts. I could not entrust anyone
with my heart.
We
are about to enter my darkest days. Right after I told the school and no action
was done, I turned to suicide. I planned it out. And I attempted, more times
that I should probably admit. It was truly the darkest year of my life. It is
literally only by the grace of God
that I am here sharing my story with you today.
Satan
had a strong pull on my life that year. I questioned everything about God, and
some of the time I still do. If God were a God that really loved me and cared
for me, than why would all these bad things continue happening to me? Why is He
allowing all this pain and suffering to take place?
After
about a year of depression and experiencing the lowest of lows, God lifted
those feelings of depression and hatred towards myself. However, in 11th grade, the addiction to
pornography grew. It grew because I wasn’t putting my hope in anything, I
wasn’t living for anything, and I wanted to feel loved and comforted.
As bad as it sounds, pornography did just that for me.
I was consumed by pornography daily. Minutes
turned into hours, and hours turned into days of watching porn, visiting chat
rooms, etc. I was absolutely enslaved
to this sin. I turned to pornography more and more, seeking comfort and intimacy
I had never received as a child.
During
this time in my life, I craved affection and attention from everything and
everyone. And in a messed up way, porn felt like it delivered that. It was
something that I didn’t have to talk to, but it was always there. It became
like a friend. And still in High School, no one knew about it…until I was
offered to move in with a family from church before my first semester of
college.
I
told the parents of this family about my addiction and about all that had happened
in my life. Moving in with them was such an incredible blessing from the Lord. They loved me despite of my
addiction and hurts. They helped me grow in my faith. They showed me what a
Godly family could look like and for that, I am so thankful. A couple
months after I moved in, this family decided that it would probably be a good
idea to seek counseling. This family along with another youth leader from
Harvest took me to an intensive counseling weekend in Indiana called
Twelvestones.
This
counseling ministry helped me see how deep my sin was regarding pornography,
and how much it was hurting others and myself. I learned that I could
achieve freedom through Christ and that God could redeem and heal all
of the wounds in my life left by other people and myself. I came away from
that weekend with a better understanding of how much
God loves me, because
growing up, I never felt loved.
As
you can see, I’ve walked through many trials. I wouldn’t wish what I have gone
through on anyone. Sometimes, I wish I lived a “normal life.” However, if God
uses me to be a light through others’ pain, than it was all worth the pain that
I experienced growing up. I have already seen tremendous amounts of healing
in my life, and have experienced what true freedom in Christ is. I
thank you for reading this story. This isn’t a story about me, but about how
good our God is. He is a healer. He is so good. But for now, I am just a
twenty-year old girl trying to live out this thing called life.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is all you need, my power works best in weakness.”
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