Childhood Trauma

"Just like there's always a time for pain, there's always a time for healing."
-Jennifer Brown 

In the past couple of weeks, I have had to deal with trauma. Memories and flashbacks from my past that I thought I wouldn't have to deal with during this season of my life. For the longest time I have tried to suppress my feelings, hoping that I wouldn't have to deal with this for while.

God, however, has other plans for me.

And honestly, it's has been the hardest thing that I have had to deal with in awhile. I've never allowed myself to feel the pain of my past. I've blocked it out, pretending that it was nothing or that it wasn't "that" bad. I was living in denial of the events and circumstances that happened. However, I am not living in that state anymore.

I've come to realize that what happened to me as a little girl was so real and so wrong. Innocence being taken away just like that. In this season of life, I have almost been forced to think about the what had happened to me. Thinking about memories and flashbacks though, puts me into an emotional state that I wouldn't ever wish on anyone.

I'm not sure if you've ever been through trauma, but here's what I can tell you about it. You don't feel safe. You want to run away when you feel the pain of the past. You're not okay. You're hurting. You don't feel like anyone understands. You become angry and bitter towards God. You yell. You scream. You cry. You question everything you've ever believed. And the most challenging thing about all of this, is that you question the goodness of God.

During this season, I've struggled with God's goodness. How can God be good if He let this happen to me? If He is a good God who unconditionally loves me, then why would he give me over to Satan to be tortured? These questions often go through my mind. And I can honestly say, that I don't know what Christ allows trauma to happen. I will never understand why He let me, a young girl, be taken advantage of in such a painful way.

In the deepest part of my heart though, I know that God is good. I know that He has drawn me closer to Him through something so traumatic. I wouldn't be a Christian if I wasn't molested. There's no doubt about it. Through the hardest thing I've went through as a young girl, He has made something incredibly beautiful come out of it.

However, still, my heart wants to run the opposite way from God. My heart hurts. I can't say that I like Christ right now. I don't. However, through the hurt and the pain...I have to make a conscious decision. Am I going to let the hurt become bitterness, or am I going to let Christ come and heal me?

If you're experiencing trauma, I want to tell you something. Choose Him. You have to make a conscious decision to choose Him. It will be one of the hardest decisions you will make. Also, if you're running away from Him...just stop. I promise that He will keep pursuing you and keep loving you- even though you wan't nothing to do with Him. I promise you that He is a good God.

Sweetheart, let Him in. Don't walk away from Him.